The First Amendment According to NPR & Media Matters

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion except Islam, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, or abridging the freedom of speech unless it violates politically correct speech or criticizes marxism or Islam; or of the press with the exception of Fox News and Conservative radio; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble with the exception of the Tea Party, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances being a right restricted to the unions, minority organizations, the New Black Panthers, La Raza, and Democrats.